Giving the Olympians the AUX Cord
We love to see modern retellings of Greek mythology. It’s the reason Percy Jackson did so well- taking something people have viewed as interesting but irrelevant for years now, and relating it to an incredibly evolved generation of people. It’s clever and funny to see Dionysus, a well respected, divine god of wine, as a pudgy middle aged grump who is addicted to Diet Coke. Historically accurate, to some extent, as well.
With human society evolving as drastically as it has, our byproducts have changed with it, but have not gotten any less sacred. Music, as a prime example, has been vital to human connection and self expression since the dawn of time. For the sake of the argument, if the Greek gods were around in this revolutionary era that we live in today, I’m sure they’d have opinions about our music, like everyone else. As told in the story of Orpheus and Eurydice, music always had a hold on even divine power itself. Greek gods have been portrayed as fairly similar to humankind- they are flawed and irrational even with their might. So it’s not unreasonable to assume they might partake in these musical creations brought by mortal people, just as we do.
Now, before we read (and hear- you can listen to the embedded playlists) the product of my sleep deprivation and coffee-fueled haze, a few notes:
The music you listen to can say something about your background, your taste, your aesthetic, even age, but not about how much of an asshole you are. Some of these gods will be absolute dicks with arguably good music taste, and vice versa. Nothing about this piece is a statement judging the music in reference- just the beings who might have listened to it (in some alternate time-travel dimension).
Backing off the “asshole” topic, so many people and gods in ancient Greece have committed terrible atrocities. Especially the men. Sorry, but it’s true. And this article is not meant to glorify or erase that in any sort of way.
And now, we start with Zeus. Of course.
Zeus
Zeus, the king of the sky, would probably have the music taste of your father or grandfather.
His top artist? The Beatles. You know your old grandpa or drunk uncle at family reunions who keeps ranting about how he refuses to listen to any of this “new crap”? He makes painfully unsubtle digs at rap music and complains how “kids these days only listen to music about gangs and drugs”? And then his dentures fall into his cup of prune juice? Yeah, that would be Zeus.
Hera
Her music taste is very split- part of it is all she represents and wants to be, which is healthy marriage and fertility. So, we have some love songs, corny ballads that you hear at all the drunk millennial weddings. The other part is extremely “screw the patriarchy, and you too, Zeus” and to be honest, I kind of like that side better. I’m far from a Hera defender, but sometimes you just have to let women be spiteful. She deserves it, after all.
Is Hera an asshole? Maybe. Is Zeus an asshole? Quite possibly. Should these two assholes be equally powerful? Absolutely, but alas, they are not, and Hera knows how unfair that is.
Poseidon
Something people forget about Poseidon is how similar he is to his brother, Zeus.
We all know Zeus sucks, but his brother is absolutely no angel either. There’s no shortage of predatory and extremely manipulative man-babies in Greek mythology, especially when it comes to the Greeks’ favorite gods. So, if these two brothers are that similar in other ways, it would make sense that their music taste is too.
Poseidon’s music taste is a mixture between yacht rock and reggae. The beachy and ocean-like part definitely fits him, but he definitely is not as chill as his music taste makes him seem. He’d like to think he is, I’m sure. Unfortunately, he is a total curmudgeonly grump sometimes.
Ares
Ares, the god of war, would absolutely listen to the most eardrum-shattering heavy metal of all time. I mean, this is the token god to Sparta. The most testosterone-packed citystate in all of Greece. For this playlist, I just went on Spotify, added a bunch of Metallica, and searched for the most brutal-sounding death metal that’s ever graced this planet. My ears are still throbbing, but at least Ares is appeased.
I also added a few guilty pleasure songs for him. He’s dating Aphrodite- there’s no way that he’s never listened to Whitney Houston or Britney Spears before. In fact, I’m positive that he secretly knows all the words to anything by the Spice Girls. It just makes sense- he needs a break from all the god-of-war stuff.
Aphrodite
Aphrodite’s music taste exudes confidence, something the goddess of love and beauty absolutely does not lack. We’ve seen that in various myths- her confidence literally started the Trojan War. She’s always been ahead of her time when it comes to expressing sexuality and femininity, at least, when it comes to herself. However, she, like many, many other goddesses, is not exactly a girl’s girl. Hopefully if she were to exist in the time of Spotify, she’d be more open to the idea of women supporting other women, and more of a feminist. Granted, that might be some pretty large character development from the goddess who exacerbates the trauma of teenage girls for the sake of men and her own ego. But, we can only hope. Maybe she was always a feminist- we cannot deny that our understanding of the ancient world has come from mostly men.
Hermes
Hermes’ music taste, I think, represents him pretty well. He’s often been depicted as a teenager and a kind of snarky one. (He’s also been depicted as, yes, you guessed it, a rapist, so we’re not totally going to glorify him here.)
He’s extremely quick, speedy, as the god of messengers would have to be, so obviously he listens to a ton of hype music. This fits into his whole teenager persona as well. My brother, who’s positively obsessed with Eminem (for some reason) helped me make this, and it turned out painfully accurate.
Athena
Athena and Aphrodite remind me a lot of each other, just in different fonts. They’re all about empowering themselves, but other women? Not so much. Athena has been proven to not be the biggest fan of strong women apart from herself. A key example is Medusa. Granted, there is a debate about whether Athena’s intentions were helpful or harmful, but if we’re talking about the more popular take? Plus, she also helped Perseus with slaying Medusa, so that definitely makes a statement.
People view Athena as a feminist because she represents something traditionally masculine- warfare, and she’s the goddess of wisdom along with it. However, she’s no girl’s girl. It’s that simple.
I could rant about this forever, but I must get to the point: music. I think she’d be a fan of classical music- anything good for studying or concentrating while making battle plans. (But, as much as I hate to say this, I think she’d make a point of not listening to Taylor Swift or Beyonce “like other girls”.)
Dionysus
Here, we have a playlist full of club music. It speaks for itself- essentially, it’s a soundtrack to madness and the very act of getting wasted (and what a perfect representation of Dionysus that is!) This playlist practically reeks of hangovers and terrible decisions, which you might think would fit Zeus better.
Demeter
Demeter probably has the music taste of a granola mom who was a wild and defiant teenager back in the day. She reminds me of one of those Disney original movie moms who’s very overprotective of her goth or rebellious child, only to shout the words “I was just like you once!” in a climactic argument towards the end.
For her playlist, I added a lot of Hozier and Florence. Her taste is pretty similar to the goddess coming up next.
Artemis
Artemis is probably one of the most progressive of the Greek olympians, and it’s not just because she “isn’t like other girls”. She calls the other gods out when they’re being stupid, especially her brother. She’s mature, and she is a protector of young girls and their virginity and maidenhood. And not in a creepy, sexist way. She basically minds her business, unless someone threatens her or someone close to her.
I’m sure that she’d listen to alternative music, mostly by women, about nature and the moon. Specifically Mitski and Stevie Nicks. Her Spotify would be ethereal, witchy, and mystical.
Hephaestus
This man is actually the least creepy out of the bunch (incredibly low bar, I know, even typing those words are making me wince). He’s also the one who kind of gets dumped on all the time. I mean, it must be kind of hurtful being thrown off a mountain because you were too ugly (by your own parent?!) but he doesn’t seem terribly resentful. Grumpy, yes, but unlike Poseidon and Zeus, I’m pretty sure he actually goes to therapy once in a while. He’s stereotypically masculine without being super duper toxic. Well, except for that one time with Athena. (Can we just have one man who is not a rapist in Greek mythology, for the love of God?)
Anyway, I’m pretty sure he listens to country. Probably some pretty intense rock too, but that’s understandable. He can be brooding once in a while, I suppose.
Apollo
And finally, we have the literal god of music to finish up with. I’m sure this man quite literally broke Spotify when his Wrapped results came out. Maybe he even founded Spotify. Who knows. Anyway, I’m pretty sure he’d be listening to almost anything and everything, but a lot of R&B (since the god of music should obviously have some taste). I can also picture him being really into musical theater, especially Hadestown and Hamilton, because who doesn’t love those two? To finish it off, we have some good old songs with sun-related titles. Hilarious, I know. But Apollo is pretty vain. I’m sure he has no problem listening to music about himself all the time.